The education of Husband in things female

My husband has been my husband for 18 years and still refuses to understand more about the world of feminine products past “Buy exactly this at the store” – box shoved in his face, or photo texted to him.

This went sideways last week when he went to Costco and they were out of “exactly this.” He came home with totally the wrong thing. Now we have a huge box of 120 of the wrong things.

I had told him to get a reasonable equivalent and he came home with an unreasonable facsimile. I said I trusted his judgment because he’s smart, but I forgot to account for a lack of willingness.

I imagine he stood blindfolded in the Costco pad section, spun in circles, and threw an imaginary dart. I think this is like how any word I say to my dog after “Walk” is no sound and my lips just moving.

At the time, I tried to explain to him the basic layout of feminine products. “Panty liners, pads, and tampons. That’s it. There’s all these side options, but those are the basics,” I outlined.

“But there’s all these other words like ‘wings’ or ‘extra long,'” he complained.

“Just ignore it and get the basic, regular item,” I patiently guided. Or misguided, as history demonstrates.

Therefore, it forced me to go to Longs to get what I needed. He was with me. I should have left him at home, but since he was standing in the aisle with me, I thought I’d helpfully teach him, now with visual aids, what’s what.

I figure we have a daughter who will probably ask this of him in the future. Maybe he’ll try for her sake. Try, Claus, try to understand feminine napkin strategy. Do it for your child!

I repeated the above lesson and he sighed, “Are we having this conversation again?”

“Look. It’s not hard. Just try,” I cajoled.

He looked at two versions of Carefree brand panty liners and asked, “So, there’s Long Longs and Thong Thonga?” (It’s actually spelled tanga.) I nodded and acknowledged there are way too many marketing-driven choices these days, but if you stop and think about what those words mean, you’ll get it.

He whined. He never whines, but he whined. “But look at this,” and he set two more products side by side. “Why does this say ‘Thin’ and this other one say ‘Ultra Thin,’ but the ‘Ultra Thin’ is thicker than the ‘Thin’ one?”

“You have to read the label,” I repeated. “Then you’ll see it’s a thin panty liner, but an ultra thin pad. Pads are thicker than liners.” I do see where that’s confusing.

Curses, Capitalism! I imagine in Stalin’s time there were just two or three choices, starkly but clearly labeled for Group B rationing days. I’m sure Leningrad husbands rejoiced the ease of shopping for their wives back then.

In my quest for a clear pad model, I rather creatively said, “Think of it like buying a coffee at Starbucks. You have the basic idea, then all these side choices you can apply to your order.”

This only served to distract him. “So I should go to Longs and order a Tall Longs Longa? A Macchiato with wings?”

Forget it. I give up. I realize this is what Safeway Delivery is for.

Diane Ako

Peace of mind By Diane Ako I like to reflect on life. Sometimes it’s philosophically. Sometimes it’s humorously. For all its beauty, life is far too difficult a journey to take alone. You need the support and connection with others to help carry you along the way. Writing brings me that connection– within and without. It clarifies my thoughts and feelings. It helps me reach out to others for advice, wisdom, or feedback. Your thoughts become your actions. Your actions become you. A wise yogi- Patanjali- said, “Speak what is true. Speak what is pleasant.” Let’s speak of things pleasant to one another and seek some peace of mind along the way. ABOUT Diane Ako joined Hawaii: In Real Life in October 2016. She likes being part of a community of local bloggers – people who like writing and sharing, like she does. Ako is an anchor/ reporter at Island News (KITV4 – ABC) in Honolulu. She previously anchored and reported at KHON2 (FOX) and KHNL (NBC), and at stations in California, New Mexico, and Pennsylvania, In between news jobs, in 2017, she launched and ran her own p.r. company, Diane Ako PR. From 2010-2014, she headed the public relations department at Halekulani Corporation, which oversees luxury resort Halekulani and boutique hotel Waikiki Parc. She’s been blogging since 2009 – before Hawaii: IRL, she wrote for The Honolulu Star-Advertiser, the state’s largest daily newspaper, where her stories garnered a dozen journalism awards and an Emmy nomination. Ako has a BA in Communications from Menlo College and an MA in Political Science from University of Hawaii at Manoa. One day, she might figure out how to put that master’s degree to use.

One thought on “The education of Husband in things female

  • March 11, 2019 at 6:52 am
    Permalink

    Hello Diane,

    You guys are sooo funny! Never a dull moment. lol

    Reply

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.